July 4th, 2024
I'm around people all the time. I laugh and joke around with them. It takes away the loneliness but won't heal my soul as I'm rotten to my very core. It's funny how nobody knows how fucked up I really am. They really have no fucking clue. Nobody can save me. Only I can save myself. But I have no intention of changing. It's easier to destroy yourself when you have no sense of self. Especially if you are a shy and sensitive person. I take on the personalities of corrupt idols and suddenly it gets a lot easier to drown out the screams of help coming from deep within.
June 6th, 2024
Sometimes, when I see other people expressing their love and affection towards their friends and family I find myself wishing I was able to show the same amount of affection towards other people. I rarely see people as sentient beings with their own personalities, thoughts and interests and naturally, this makes me disinterested in human beings in general. But sometimes my empathy levels and awareness seem to revert back to normal levels. It's like I had a half a tab of acid and all of a sudden I develop this liking towards the species as a whole. You know, that whole "human beings are wholesome" thing. I wonder if there's a way to always be like this because I'm so sick of feeling like an alien with a disdain for humanity.
May 16th, 2024
The past has been terrorizing me lately. But whenever I try to drown out the pain I end up losing myself.
April 16th, 2024
Life feels so stagnant. I am trying to get back on track, not think about it. And yet, my eyes light up whenever the thought of it crosses my mind.
April 14th, 2024
My mind is a cruel place to be in. I am my biggest enemy. And I don't say that lightly. I am the sole contributor to my downfall and I do it over and over again. I am afraid of change, afraid of the world, afraid of myself. I cushion myself from the harsh reality and whenever that veil gets lifted, even for just a second, I get afraid. Very afraid. And then I go back to shielding myself from anything that involves getting out of my comfort zone. I am so very disappointed in myself. I am a prisoner of my own mind and it's slowly killing me. I don't know how much longer until my life collapses. And it is inevitably going to happen. I am aware of this and yet I still do it. I feel so ashamed. I just want to curl up in a ball and perish. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just take action?
April 12th, 2024
I woke up a few hours ago, had my coffee and cigarettes and I'm going to be honest, I don't feel good. At all. I honestly don't know how much worse it can get. Life has been feeling like one, big anhedonic clusterfuck lately. Nothing brings me any joy, I have no purpose. No matter what I do, everything is shrouded in melancholic emptiness. I feel blank. I cannot even listen to music. I'm drowning in my own misery.
April 11th, 2024
It feels as though the dark thoughts I am having are based on reality; that they're self-prophesized facts and inevitable events and not a direct result of the tainted thoughts that are usually brought on by depression. While I do seem to "function" as a human being, it is only on a basic fundamental level. I live a very shallow existence. I live, breathe, eat and keep myself occupied via media consumption but I am stagnant. I live to die. I'm not fighting for anything, I am not bettering myself, I don't have any dreams to work towards, no achievements to make, I cannot even draw simple enjoyment out of the few things I do. It all feels so shallow.
This depression has taken a great toll on my daily life; my thoughts, feelings and my emotions have all been shrouded in it. It feels like I'm maneuvering through a thick, black cloud every single second of the day. This illness is a parasite that has taken over my brain. My state of mind feels severely altered and I don't feel like myself anymore. It is influencing the way I think and act. Sometimes I am aware of it, other times I'm in too deep and move through life in a zombie-like state. All I seem to do is kill time until it no longer exists. Until I no longer exist. I used to hate the idea of sleeping because it felt like a waste of time. Now I'd rather sleep than stay awake because I cannot be bothered with this shallow and hopeless existence.
I have gotten to a point where I have found an uncomfortable, yet mildly tolerable place in my misery that I allow myself to reside in. I tell myself that I'm fine with it even though there's a little part of me that truthfully, cannot bear it. It is almost as if this new low has become my new standard and it's giving me the illusion that my life is destined to fail. I feel like a dysfunctional and miserable excuse of a human being with no deeper purspose. And yet, I can't help but feel bad for myself. And if I did have a purpose, I ruined everything and it is too late now for me to act. The race has long begun a long time ago and I missed the starting gun. I truly feel like I am better off dead, that I will never have a decent life. Sometimes I want to break out, most of the time though, I'm too scared to escape and allow myself to be sucked into an even deeper hole. It's like I'm deliberatley trying to destroy my life. Out of self-hatred, a fear of change and anger turned inwards. It's this neverending cycle of hopelessness and a glimmer of desperate hope. It feels unbearable. Like I won't allow myself to get better. I don't want to get better, or so it seems. Maybe it isn't hope that I'm feeling, but rather desperation. A vain and meager attempt at trying to grasp onto something, anything. And yet, it doesn't feel right. It feels weirdly performative. Like an automatic human response. "Trying" to get out without the intention of actually wanting to get out? I don't know.
The brain fuck has been really bad. I have been continuously frying my brain with excess dopamine. I have so much brain fog, I cannot focus or think straight. I feel dumb. Most of the time I'm not even sure of what I'm feeling or thinking. I feel so disconnected from my thoughts and feelings. My mind is completely blank. Occasionally I get a random moment of clarity but it fades away just as quickly as it comes. I'm not in touch with myself at all, I'm just an empty shell. But it is not a dissociative feeling either. I feel present, just cognitively empty. I cannot make sense of my own mind. I can feel this disease eating away at any cognitive ability I may have had.
I'm all too familiar with this part so I won't get too deep into the more self-explanatory bits but I spend all my time on my phone watching short-form content and playing mobile games that suck every bit of autonomy out of me. It's another act of distraction because, again, I cannot bear the cold truth of this reality. My digital escape is the closest I can get to a sleep-like state while I am fully awake. It keeps me distracted. It pumps me with feel-good hormones so I won't have to face the reality of my miserable life. It gives me the same escape that drugs have. I have an abnormal fear of letting go of my blissfully ignorant state and be face-to-face with the cold, harsh truth.
March 2nd, 2024
You know what I noticed. People don't like me. Not because I'm some pathetic misunderstood creature. I'm just an unlikeable asshole. I treat people shitty if I don't like the way they act towards me. Even if the reason is far from justified. I am a sensitive fuck and lash out at the slightest inconveniences and/or minor changes in tone or attitude. I lose my temper rather explosively. And then, I attack, usually in a passive agressive manner as opposed to fully confrontational, though I can recall many times where I have displayed my anger and frustration ourwardly. This is all I can say for now. I'm not sure how to proceed from here and whether I even want to change myself in the first place. All I can say for now is that I'm aware of my awful and unlikeable personality. Whether I'm just open and honest about my feelings or whether I have a complete disregard for the people around me due to selfishness I cannot say. Therefore, I'm not even sure if change is necessary, although I must be doing something wrong if people distance themselves from me. Maybe finding a safe middle ground would be the way to go. But like I said, I don't even know if I feel like treating the people around me any better. The ones I had the displeasure of knowing certainly didn't deserve my kindness.
March 1st, 2024
My disshevelled thoughts are making it near impossible to go about my daily endeavours. Every thought process feels like the most tideous task ever and every occuring thought goes under among the cloudy dissonance of my mind. I cannot form a singular cohesive thought, everything seems so distant and yet, I feel almost completely lucid. Is my mind deteriorating? Why is it, that I struggle so much trying to string a thought together and get my point across? As a matter of fact, I don't even know which point I'm trying to make most of the time. It may seem as though I can write comprehensive sentences, but all I can manage to get out are random streams of conciousness. I seem to lack the ability to revise what I managed to scribble down. I'm struggling to see the big picture. I don't know when I'm repeating myself and whether what I'm saying makes any sense at all. I'm not sure what to do. My life feels like a big clusterfuck of different feelings, emotions, tasks and challenges and I don't know how to tackle it all. Whether this stems from sheer laziness and a simple lack in confidence or cognitive deterioration, I don't know. What I do know is that I'm wilfully neglecting my duties which is not bidding well for me, at all.
March 5th, 2023
When do I finally learn that not meeting my expectations fully doesn't mean that I fucked up. I don't need to throw more gasoline into the fire to make things even worse. Why do I self-sabotage so much? I try to remind myself that I am enough. But the perfectionist in me is never satisfied. Why do I hold myself back so much? Why do I do this to myself?
March 3rd, 2023
I sit in silence as I mourn the things that could have been, but never were, long for the life I never had and the things I never did. I wait for the gun to fire, dspite the fact that it has fired a long time ago. I guess it's easier to cope when you're in denial. I sit in isolation, seeking solace in my solitude, distracting myself from the shadows of my past that plague my darkest hours. And thus, momentary ignorance turns to bliss.
August 9th, 2022
I'm slowly breaking down, losing my mind. I want out, but I don't know how. I reach out my hand in the hopes of someone pulling me out of this neverending spiral, unaware of the weights bound to my feet that pull me down.
August 8th, 2022
It scares me how quickly I lose control.